Learning To Not Be Okay

In talking with Shelby (my fantastic counselor and new non-biased best friend), I have discovered that I put a ridiculous and overwhelming amount of pressure on myself. Pressure on myself for what? To be a good wife, a good daughter/sister, a good friend, a good disciple, a good human…. The list goes on and on.

I have also learned that I’m really good at judging myself when I don’t reach the impossible goals I set. I have to learn to be more compassionate with myself. When a friend comes to me with a problem, I don’t judge. I love. I wouldn’t question every little thing they did. Well, Sarah is just as important as that friend. I need to love her just as much. I have to understand that I’m not perfect – and that’s okay. I also need to ground my expectations.

It’s so hard. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m strong and that I can handle anything. I have now burned that into how I live my life. If I’m not strong, then that means I’ve failed. If I can’t handle the things that are going on in my life, then everyone was wrong, right?

I’ve also constructed this Idea that in order to show my heart angel how grateful I am for their gift, I can’t say no. I have to live my life 110%! If I don’t then I’ve disappointed them and showed they that I didn’t deserve it. And on top of that, because I was such a sick kid, there was so much I “missed out on” so I have to make up for that in my adult life because I’m healthy now.

If I’m not thriving, then what am I doing? “Just” surviving isn’t an option. I have to be strong and take everything with a smile on my face. And if I don’t, then something’s wrong with me? Why did I not do it right? Why? Annnnd….que the self judgement.

Now, I know that these are just thoughts trying to protect me and they are not true, but they’re there and they are loud. And they are valid. Every thought I have is valid. But not every thought serves me. I’m still learning how to ask what the purpose of the thoughts are. I’m going to be learning for a while. This is a hard thing to readjust.

So for now, I am practicing being compassionate towards myself, understanding that it’s okay to simplify my goals, and know that I’m still doing a good job at living life if all that happens that day is waking up.

Today was one of those days. I was very much in my feelings today. Life’s hard and I’m tired of it being hard. I haven’t been too understanding or compassionate to Sarah today. And I know that I should be and so I judge myself on how I’m lacking and it turns into a big old circle. Round and round.

But it’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes surviving is the best we can do. So, I’m trying put a stop to my circle and tell myself that I am doing my best and it’s okay that my best today was getting out of bed and taking a shower. That’s awesome! I’m so proud of myself!

Sometimes I slip back into the circle, but that’s okay. I’m still learning. I can’t wait to tell Shelby all about how hard today was. I can’t wait to tell her the moments that broke me because I know she’ll be proud of me for trying. She’ll tell me that I’m amazing for doing the best I could. And you know what? She’ll be right! I did good today. It’s okay that It was hard and you know what? Tomorrow is a new day to keep trying!

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