So I ended my last post with a phrase that I wan to go on a tanget about it – “are we thriving or just surviving” and because this is my blog, I can talk and rant and do anything I want and you just have to deal with it. Haha!
I remember one time I told Shelby (my therapist, remember?) that I didn’t want to “just survive.” I wanted to “thrive” during this life. Living every moment to its fullest. Doing anything and everything all the time. Giving 120% and beyond.
Of course, because it was therapy, she asked me to explore that further. Why was “thriving” so improtant to me and why was “surviving” so below my radar? Surviving means you are doing things that are nessesary to stay alive – water, shelter, food, etc… So why was surviving not the priority? Why was I trying to skip that important first step and go straight into thriving? Don’t you need to know how to survive in order to thrive?
I’ve already talked about this before, but my brain has wired itself to think that I have to prove that I’m deserving of this second chance I have. I have this hunger to show myself that I am capible and strong enough. Enough for what?? I don’t know how to discribe it… Anyway, there is something driving me to go waaaaaaayyyy past my limists, even though I know it’s ridiculous, I have to do it and if I don’t do it according to these made up specifications in my head, I’m failing.
And this is why depression is so hard for me, personally. I can see where I’m “failing” and my mental voice (I call her Fantacy Sarah – I’ll introduce you to her later in another post soon) is yelling at me because I’m failing and I know I’m failing but not wanting to do anything about it so she just yells louder.
Talking to Shelby about all of this definitly helped me recognize my need for going “above and beyond” my human needs and desires. I have learned that, yes, it’s okay to clean the kitchen when all you were planning on doing was unloading the dishwasher BUT it’s equally okay to only put dinner’s dishes in the sink. Those dishes are in the sink instead of on the table! That’s fantastic!
I know it can sound a little condecending, but I’m still learing and right now that kind of reinforcement helps me. When I feel like I’ve “failed,” I look at all the things that did get done today instead of what didn’t. That also kind of ties into to how important visual productivity is to me.
If you know me, you’d know that I’ll usually pick to clean the living room (from top to bottom) over taking a nap. Why is that? What’s going on with Fantacy Sarah that makes her feel like cleaning is more important? This is something Shelby helped me with – QUESTION IT. Figure out where that desire is coming from, understand why it’s important to me, make a decision, and then be okay with that decision.
So using this strategy and my mental percentage mesuring I’ve talked about before, I am now pretty well equipt with being kinder to myself and allowing myself to thrive in the ways I want…rather that what I thought it meant, even if that means I’m “just surviving” for a hot minute. 😉